Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
