Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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