Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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