i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
