I wish my penis had an off switch
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
