why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
