apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
