I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
