I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
