She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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