i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
