How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize