Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
