Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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