Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
