just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize