made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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