Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
