What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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