She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
