my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
