If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
