Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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