Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
