I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
