my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
