i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
