He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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