I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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