Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The power of my boobs compel you
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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