Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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