Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
