I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you never un-have a 4some
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
