My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
