My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
