just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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