Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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