After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
