what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
