Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
