Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
