I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
