Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
