on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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