While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
