party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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