Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
