youre lurking in front of me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
