I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
