I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
