well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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