I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
