I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
