How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
