i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
