I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
They have beer where we have blood.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
