I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
