I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
