I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
