I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
