Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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