when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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